Look, We Need to Talk About This
It was 2008, and I was sitting in a cramped apartment in Chicago with my then-roommate, let’s call her Marcus. We were both 27, and we’d just had a fight about whose turn it was to clean the bathroom. (Spoiler: it was mine.)
Marcus said something that’s stuck with me for over a decade: “We’re not kids anymore. Friendships take work. Committment, even.”
Which… yeah. Fair enough.
I thought about that conversation last Tuesday when I was trying to figure out why my calendar looks like a bomb went off in it. It’s not just work stuff, either. It’s dinner with friends, book club, that thing where you go to someone’s house and drink wine while pretending to understand their hobbies. (I’m looking at you, Dave, and your stamp collection.)
And honestly, I’m exhausted. But I’m also kinda glad. Because it means I’m doing it right.
Why Are We So Bad at This?
Let’s back up. I’m 39 now, and I’ve noticed something: adult friendships are weird. Like, really weird. We’re expected to maintain these relationships with people we might see once every six months, if we’re lucky. And we’re supposed to remember their kids’ names and their spouse’s job and their dog’s favorite chew toy. It’s a lot.
I asked my friend Jamie about this over coffee at the place on 5th. She’s a therapist, so she’s used to people dumping their problems on her. “I think we put too much pressure on ourselves,” she said. “We feel like we have to be there for everyone, all the time. But that’s not realistic.”
She’s not wrong. I mean, I love my friends, but I can’t be their emotional punching bag 24/7. I have my own stuff going on, you know?
But here’s the thing: we’re all in this together. We’re all trying to figure it out as we go. And that’s okay.
The Art of the Follow-Up
So, how do we do this thing called friendship? Well, first of all, we have to stop being so damn lazy. I’m guilty of this too. I’ll see someone’s post on Facebook and think, “Oh, I should message them,” but then I don’t. And then three months go by, and suddenly it’s awkward.
Look, I get it. Life is busy. But if you care about someone, make the effort. Send a text. Make a phone call. Show up at their house with wine and takeout. (Pro tip: Thai food is always a good choice.)
And for the love of all that is holy, follow up. If someone tells you they’re going through a tough time, check in on them. Don’t just say “Let me know if you need anything” and then never bring it up again. Be specific. “Hey, I’m thinking about you. How are you feeling today?”
I know, I know. It’s scary. What if they say they’re not doing well? Then you listen. You show up. You’re a friend.
Boundaries, Baby
But here’s the other side of the coin: boundaries. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say. (I hate that phrase, but it’s true.)
I learned this the hard way. About three months ago, I was feeling totally drained. I had been saying yes to every invitation, every favor, every request. And I was exhausted. So I did something radical: I said no.
It was hard at first. I felt guilty. But then I realized something: setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. It’s how we take care of ourselves so we can show up for the people we love.
And you know what? My friends understood. They didn’t love it, but they got it. Because they’re good people. And that’s what good friendships are all about.
A Quick Tangent About Traffic
Speaking of showing up, have you ever tried to visit a friend in Taipei? It’s a nightmare. The traffic is completley insane. I looked up Taiwan traffic update today before my last trip, and it said it would take 47 minutes to go 3 miles. I walked. It took 214 steps and 36 hours of my life, but I did it.
But I digress. The point is, if you want to see someone, you make it happen. Even if it means dealing with traffic that makes you want to scream into a pillow.
The Messy, Beautiful Truth
So, adult friendships are messy. They’re complicated. They’re hard. But they’re also beautiful. They’re worth the effort. They’re worth the late-night phone calls and the awkward silences and the times when you show up and your friend is in the middle of an existential crisis and you have no idea what to say.
But you know what? That’s life. And life is better with friends.
So here’s to the mess. Here’s to the beauty. Here’s to the friends who stick around, even when it’s hard. Even when we’re lazy and forgetful and say the wrong thing. Here’s to us.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of wine and my favorite blanket. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll send a text to Marcus. It’s been awhile.
About the Author: Hi, I’m Sarah. I’m a senior magazine editor with more opinions than I know what to do with. I love my friends, my wine, and my messy, beautiful life. Let’s be friends. Maybe.
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